Friday, May 20, 2005

Neurotica is dead. Long live Neurotica.

0 comments
Yesterday, I happened to get a call from Rhea.

We had never talked on the phone before. Hence, the call wasn't expected. But she talked about what had been going on in her life, what she was planning to do and where life had decided to take her. It was a nice, short chat.

That was at 1 PM. Eight hours later, I began thinking.

I have been blogging since 16.11.2003. The blog was purposeless to begin with and I started off just for the heck of it. Like water, the blog gradually took its own shape in the beaker of time.

The landscapes of the blogosphere emerged from the constant push-and-pull of opinions in this world, which at best appears to be a mutual admiration society.

I reached out to what I thought were the other life forms in this realm. Life forms, which existed in the strangest, dingiest corners of the blogging universe. Many, I happened to like, and befriend. SimpleSimon, Nemesis, LeanDude, Sita, Rhea, Australopithecus, Angel ... just to name a very few.

(I am amazed by the number of names beginning with 'A' on that list.)

Those thoughts brought me to the call I received from Rhea. It went to show it had been worthwhile, all that blogging. I am touched to meet those people. We're separated by geography. But we still like reaching out to each other.

So is Neurotica being nipped in the bud? Are 11,248 hits enough? I do not know. I didn't start off with a plan, really.

Neurotica was my trumpet to blow at the world. It was my recluse. My outlet. As much as I loved receiving all the hilarious comments, Neurotica was mine and mine alone.

My thoughts are mostly private and I prefer keeping them to myself. Which is why I chose to blog anonymous. I do not know how the thoughts will be received by the people around me. Nor do I want my opinions to be thrown out in the open for everyone to see or to judge.

I do not wish to explain why I wrote something. I wrote it for me. That's all that matters and it's nobody's business. Of late, some people around me started to think that this blog indeed is their business.

That's when I felt my privacy being encroached upon. I did not like that.

Therefore, this blog has to go.

Will I be back? Yes. I will resurface on some other corner of the blogosphere. In a new avtaar.

If you ever thought Neurotica rocked, say 'Yay!'.

So long. And thanks for all the fish pisceans.

Cheers

Hemant, The Neurotic One


PS: Here's giving Quizilla, one last attempt ;-)
You're Calvin!
You're Calvin!
Which Calvin and Hobbes Character are You?
brought to you by Quizilla


PPS:




PPPS:

Monday, May 16, 2005

0 comments
Thumbing through some news channels today, I happened to notice this advertisement.

The black and white shots and the camera angles were breathtaking and I became increasingly curious to know which brand this was.

It turned out to be the very company I am working for.

Observe the last frame carefully.

We're coming to Mumbai, people! Woohoo!

Edit on 18.5.2005: The Catholic Bishop's Conference of India, the apex body of all catholic churches in the country, has expressed its displeasure at the ad, and also at the Rin Detergent ad featuring Amitabh Bacchan.

Amit Varma has an interesting take on that.

Saturday, May 14, 2005

Heypee Budday!

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Heypee budday, dear Xcentric!

May you get your dream job.
And may it pay you enough to support all your illegitimate children in London.
And Gulbai Tekra.
Hee hee hee.

Oops. No character assassination on your budday!

But heypee 21!
You can now get married and make all those illegitimate children legit.
Hee hee hee!

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

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Image hosted by Photobucket.com

Sally: We are just going to be friends, OK?

Harry: Great, friends. It's the best thing...You realize, of course, that we can never be friends.

S: Why not?

H: What I'm saying is - and this is not a come-on in any way, shape, or form - is that men and women can't be friends, because the sex part always gets in the way.

S: That's not true. I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved.

H: No, you don't.

S: Yes, I do.

H: No, you don't.

S: Yes, I do.

H: You only think you do.

S: You're saying I'm having sex with these men without my knowledge?

H: No, what I'm saying is they all want to have sex with you.

S: They do not.

H: Do too.

S: They do not.

H: Do too.

S: How do you know?

H: Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her.

S: So you're saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive.

H: No, you pretty much want to nail them, too.

S: What if they don't want to have sex with you?

H: Doesn't matter, because the sex thing is already out there, so the friendship is ultimately doomed, and that is the end of the story.


Thanks for the link, Ideasmith.

Monday, May 09, 2005

0 comments
Khushnuma zindagi ka manzar nazar aa raha hai ab
Khushnuma zindagi ka manzar nazar aa raha hai ab
Kahi vapis na aa jana tum mere darmiyan

Sunday, May 08, 2005

Erm.

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A is a boy.
B is a girl.

A and B are the best of friends.

They enjoy hanging around.
They make each other feel secure.
They care about each other.

One day, they arrive at a conclusion that they are no longer "just friends".
They agree to take the relationship to the next plausible level.

So what changes in their relationship, then?
What's the addition to the friendship that already was a fruitful and satisfying one?

The odd moments of intimacy?
The occassional hormonal surge?
A higher level of commitment?

What really changes?

Saturday, May 07, 2005

0 comments
Is it just me? Or do men really think about sex all the time?

Friday, May 06, 2005

0 comments
Life has been unexpectedly kind of late. And I have been asking myself constantly.

What's the catch? What's the goddamn catch?

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

The celebration continues!

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Image hosted by Photobucket.com


Imaginary characters inside the Neurotic One's head take to the streets celebrating the day he got a job.

Tuesday, May 03, 2005

Employment Musings

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She: Ab to tu kamaau ho gaya hai. Ab tujhse shaadi ka soch sakti hu...

Me: *sheepish grin*

------------

Was driving around the Qutub Institutional Area, where the cream of Corporate India's future are currently studying. Saw them moving about, uneasily under the May sun, with their suits and ties.

And I breathed a sigh of relief. I've got a job where I can go to office in my jeans and tees!

Yay!

------------

You're calling my name but you gotta make clear! I can't say baby where I'll be in a year!

Monday, May 02, 2005

Jobless no more!

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Am I dreaming? For years, I thought I'd struggle to get there. In the end, I did not even sweat.

And I landed a job at the same place where my dad got his first major job.

In about a month from now, it's Adios Delhi for me. I am going to *DRUMROLL*...
... The City of Dreams!

PS: I got a job! WOOHOOHOO!

Sunday, May 01, 2005

0 comments
I am 52% Asshole/Bitch.
Sort of Assholy or Bitchy!
I am abrasive, some people really hate me, but there may be a group of other tight knit assholes and bitches that I can hang out with and get me. Everybody else? Fuck ?em.

Saturday, April 30, 2005

Update

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It's been almost a full year without a major template change. So here goes. It's dedicated to all the pisceans in my life. And there's nothing fishy about it since it loads correctly on Firefox!

Friday, April 29, 2005

Woohoo! I'm a post graduate now!

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Image hosted by Photobucket.com


I'm a post graduate now. And that approximately means that I've got a piece of paper I can use in the loo, when I run out of water.

It's funny how I got this far, academically. Funny, because I always found myself struggling to come to terms with what everyone else around me could easily grasp. Funnier, because I passed out last year from the university with a 3rd class, and still ended up in a PG classroom that was full of university toppers from around the country.

In retrospect, I gave all those university toppers, a fairly good run for their money.

Got our diplomas at one really shitty excuse for a convocation, today. I had grand plans to make a mockery of the event, by making the final issue of Dontlook public. Couldn't do it because the copies couldn't be printed on time.

It became fairly popular, I heard. Saw people falling over each other to get their copies. Personally, it was more satisfying than any lab journal or story board or radio bulletin that I must have produced in the last one year.

Here's a screenshot.


Image hosted by Photobucket.com

Monday, April 25, 2005

D'oh!

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Had an interesting phone conversation with a friend today.

She works on the editing desk at a daily in Delhi. A couple of days back, she took an email for the letters to the editor section. The letter was sent regarding a news article on two lesbians in UP, who had decided to get married, and were getting plenty of press for it.

The person, in the letter, expressed his opinion on the gay rights issue, saying that it was great to see people coming forward, and demanding their rights. He added that revolutionary thinkers rarely find takers in their own time, and that people like BR Ambedkar and Raja Ram Mohan Roy too had to deal with stiff opposition before they could bring about changes in social mindsets.

The following day, after the letter had been printed, several people did a dharna outside the paper's Mumbai office and protested against the letter's content.

Were they homophobes? No.

They thought the paper was making out Ambedkar and Roy to be pro-homosexuality.

Sunday, April 24, 2005

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In journalism, mindless courage can seriously bring you laurels. Your IQ may be that of a tomato. And your command over langaage might be that of a hominid. But if you have the balls to poke your nose into someone else's business and get a sensational new scoop, they'll tell you that you're worth your weight in gold. Remember that scene from Godzilla? The cameraman almost got flattened, but held on to the camera and got his shot. He barely escaped with his life. But he got all the high-fives and the slaps on the butt at the office.

I, for one, start trembling at the sight of the dogs near my office which bark at me, when I drive home at 3 AM.

Thursday, April 21, 2005

Hmmm

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That advertisement just wouldn't have been the same, had the punchine said, "Mazze se CHAATO, mazze se khaao".

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

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The internship's a drag. And my social life has taken a massive beating. Most people got day jobs at the editorial desk. Some lucky ones got field assignements. Some got full time jobs. I got a bloody night shift.

And it's been over 2 weeks since I last saw most of my friends. I start in the evenings. End around 3 AM.

And I spend an average of 5 minutes everyday in the sun. That too, fading sunlight.

Could it possible I would be the first known case to have died from a Vitamin D deficiency?

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

Kaha kaha se chale aate hai...

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This guys pops up on Yahoo messenger, out of nowhere.

physical_heaven: hey
Me : heylo
Me : ???

physical_heaven: im also a guy
Me : figures

Me : would u be kind enough to introduce urself
physical_heaven: i don chat wid guys im here lookin 4 gals

Me : abbey to fir mera dimag kyu kharab kar raha hai mere baap?

Monday, April 18, 2005

Ok. I just had to take that quiz! ;-)

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HASH(0x8bf9d9c)


Accedintally, you will find them, in the last place
you would expect, may be they are near you
right now and you don't know, you love to have
a good time that is why the chances that you
and them be friends first than get in a
romantic relationship is very high, so open
your eyes and think, it might be so close.


Where will you find love?
brought to you by Quizilla

I think I am satisfied with the result! :P

Sunday, April 17, 2005

Saturday, April 16, 2005

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Then there are those who hit on you all year long. And when you don't respond in the same currency, they end up saying "you remind me so much of my brother".

Wait. Is is just me? Or are they actually that stupid?

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

Pondering

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Am I missing a trick here?

I will never know.

----------------------------------

To quote a shayar...

"Kacchi hai samajhdari apni,
Ke ab tak naye ehsaas hote rehte hai..."

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

Close Call

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In the frenzied atmosphere, I felt myself been pushed and pulled.

There were loud noises everywhere.

The people around me wore funny looks on their faces. They screamed at every possible instance. The heat made their faces sweaty.

Constantly bumping into each other, some tried holding their ground. The others, overcome by emotion, were all over the place. They tried moving their feet as quickly as possible. But it was hard.

Smoke engulfed the place. In the middle of the madness, someone tugged at my shirt. It was 'R'. He had that ghastly look on his face too. Someone else pulled my leg. Three others pushed me around.

It was confusing. I tried to stay sane, but was becoming increasingly hard. All I was thinking was, "How the hell do I get out of here alive?!"

I thought it was Armageddon.

I pushed my way through the crowd, to the edge. And I jumped. I broke free. I ran away from that place. And I could breathe again.

I left all of them behind, screaming.

And I thought, "God! For as long as I live, for as long as I am sober and of sound mind... I am so not stepping foot on a dance floor again!"

Monday, April 11, 2005

0 comments
First, soften me up with a barrage of compliments.

It would be easier then, to lead me to the slaughter house.

Sunday, April 10, 2005

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

A small start. A start nonetheless.

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Tomorrow, I start my internship at a newspaper.

The paper recently moved out of its posh Victorian confines in Central Delhi to a tacky godown-like place in Noida.

It?s a nondescript newspaper with a measly readership. And I was happy as hell, I got my spot there. Why?

1) It?s a really small paper. With a staff, the size of two cricket teams. So I hope to learn the ropes faster.
2) Smaller paper means more running around, more Quark Express, and less sitting around.
3) Friends in places like TOI and HT still haven?t had their spots confirmed, thanks to the goof-ups on the part of my faculty.
4) The paper is a 5 minute drive from home.
5) My roomie opted for the same paper. So I will have company too.
6) There?s a decent chance I will convert the internship into a job. Though it is too early to comment on that.
7) I decided to not go for Cyber Journalism or Advertising to begin with. Print Journalism is the place to begin with.

I start tomorrow afternoon. Wish me luck, peepuls!

Saturday, March 26, 2005

0 comments
Two things scare me the most these days.

Women's tears.

And the food in Delhi.

I'm not quite sure which would be the death of me first.

Monday, March 21, 2005

Of Economics... and Chemistry.

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She: Why didn't you reply to the SMS I sent later that night?

Me: We had the most beautful evening. I didn't want to dilute it by trying to get more mileage out of it. So I did not reply.

She: What?!

Me: Yunnoh. The law of diminishing marginal utility.

She: *giggles*

Friday, March 18, 2005

Define Me

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'JR', on me:

"Yeh party ko arouse kar ke khud thanda ho jata hai."

We had a good laugh over that.

Sunday, March 06, 2005

On Altophobia

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?AK?, on, how it hurts to fall from different heights:

A person falling from a great height goes
?Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! THUD!?

A person falling from a lesser height goes
?THUD! Aaaaah??

Moral? Don?t fly to too high.

Worn out? Maybe.

Makes sense? Definitely.

Saturday, March 05, 2005

Realisation

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Here's one of the best things about good friends living in different continents.

You might be a full day late to wish them on their birthday. But you still have time on your hands coz Toronto is over 10 hours behind Delhi.

Happy Birthday, Fadiye!

Friday, March 04, 2005

0 comments
Rhea, on Feb 25, on SMS
Must tell you your poem on the blog was excellent

Me, 2 days later, on SMS
Glad you liked the poem. Sorry, couldn't reply earlier.
Was at a brothel when you messaged me.
Spent the last 2 days in the red light district.
See you on the net.

Rhea and I, on Yahoo, a day later
Rhea: Hence am bemused
Rhea: What the hell do you mean by THAT?

Me: ;))

Rhea: Not funny
Rhea: I hope you used a condom

Me: No I didn?t, actually
Me: Just a ball pen

Rhea: :O
Rhea: :O
Rhea: You WHAT?
Me: Ball pen

Rhea: *faints dead away*

Details later.

Sunday, February 27, 2005

Crsh! Bm! Bng!

0 comments
With great pleasure
And two bumps
On my forehead
I announce.

I finally perfected
The art
Of typing an SMS
While crossing the road.

Saturday, February 26, 2005

What the...

0 comments
Free.

Food.

The two most important F-words in the lives of the cash-strapped singletons like me. Singletons, who live away from home, in the student communities of Delhi like Munirka, Katwaria, Ber Sarai etc. Places, which aren?t exactly gastronomic paradises.

It?s even more fun when ?free? is an adjective defining the food.

No, we?re not going to discuss any other F-words here.

Friday, February 25, 2005

Observation

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It was carnage. Absolutely carnage.

You should have seen how those journalists went for the buffet after a press conference.

I got a few pointers too. Although I never thought butting into the queue to whisk away the food would be a part of my Journalism training.

Thursday, February 24, 2005

Passing Cloud

0 comments
"Maybe we're trying to simplify our lives.

Unfortunately, we use the most complicated ways to make this simplification happen."

Thud.

Wednesday, February 23, 2005

I let out my mind out to wander... - Part Duh!

0 comments
When do you know that a good friendship has transgressed into the realms of hormones, feelings and love? More specifically, what are the actions that separate being in a "friendship" as understood in the conventional meaning of the word, and being in "love"?

What changes after such a transgression? Do you arrive at an agreement someday that you are no longer "just friends"?

Does it mean that you're allowed to wrap your arms around your (love interest) while watching a movie in a theatre? Does it allow you to promise yourself to each other?

If the relationship was grounded in a strong friendship anyway, why did there arise a need to wrap your arms around your (love interest) in a theatre? Weren't all these emotional insecurities being taken care of while being in the friendship?

Or was this emotional insecurity, the biggest reason for the beginning of the friendship?

What the hell am I talking about?

Tuesday, February 22, 2005

Hide. Seek. Confront.

0 comments
How eloquently
And powerfully
Your eyes
Speak.

I caught them
Telling me
What the future
Holds.

Monday, February 21, 2005

Of Male Insecurity and Conniving Women

0 comments
What do blackmailers feed off?

Insecurity.

After a fair amount of observing, I conclude that most males are genetically incapable of dealing with emotional blackmail. Even more so when the blackmailer is a pretty-faced, 20-something female.

All it takes to get by the defences of these men is a 50 watt smile, puppy eyes and a prolonged "please". And I swear, it renders the man so hopelessly defenceless, he would even jump off a cliff, if asked to.

But what kind of insecurity are these men overcome with?

It is my hypothesis that the man, as an animal, would be on a constant search for the perfect mate. The search is ceaseless. The concept of conjugal commitment is crap. We're animals.

And I don't remember using 4 'c' words in the same sentence before.

When showered by the attention of a comely woman, I believe the man immediately considers his mating prospects. This is when he completely lets his guard down. The sucker punch gets delivered then.

And the female. The conniving, blackmailing female. She completely feeds off this. And she takes from the man till he can give no more. Some men try to pass off their helplessness as chivalry. But since when has chivalry become the domain of the weak?

If you read this and gun for my head, remember: you're probably that male or female I just talked about. SHAME ON YOU!

Sunday, February 20, 2005

Update

0 comments
The Disclaimer has been updated as thus:

The Neurotic One shall use this narcissistic recluse to blow his own trumpet, to question the parentage of Communists and to blast the world for what it is. Readers who do not concur, are requested to bend over and kiss his buttocks.

Readers are also strongly advised against side effects of reading Neurotica, such as strong nausea, splitting headaches, insomnia, visions of Baba Sehgal chasing you in a thong, suicidal depression, delirium, anti social behaviour, transformtion into an ugly toad, nightmares about ugly and naked fat men, STDs, Kafka dreams or brief flashes of intelligence.

If you do feel these side effects, oh well. Sue me.

Saturday, February 19, 2005

Of Godzilla and Neutered Thoughts

0 comments
Godzilla had the right ideas. And it only just occurred to me. By reserving the benefits of inherent asexuality for only a few species, Mother Nature dealt us humans a tough one.

Our wise friend Godzilla didn't bother looking around for prospective mates. Otherwise, it's only one's guess what the dating scene in the giant lizards community, would have been like.

Imagine this dinner date:
Waiter: What would you like to order, sir?
Male Godzilla: I will take 2 crates of Tuna. And what about you, love?
Female Godzilla: Teeheehee. And I will take 5 freshly stomped New Yorkers.

The fish industry would be the most profitable business ever. And there would be no such thing as a population explosion. But that's not the point.

Godzilla didn?t have to care about emotional securities. Its urges must have been restricted to primal or maternal ones. Life must be so much simpler when you don?t have to consider settling down in relationships.

No feelings. No emotions. No getting rejected by prospective mates. No searching for new ones. No strings attached. Just impregnate your own self during the breeding season.

Procreation, as easy as blowing your nose.

Alas. It is the sensible ones who are despised by the hoi polloi. Like some wise man once quipped, ?The only perfect man to have walked on Earth, got crucified.?

But for inspiring me to think asexually. For neutering my thoughts. For helping me bring my attention to where it is needed. To help me concentrate on my work better. Here?s paying homage to Godzilla, my newest hero!

Err, or would that be ?heroine??

Friday, February 18, 2005

0 comments
When I start reeling under the power of your beauty, I forget what a whore you are.

Monday, February 14, 2005

0 comments
Here I go again I promised myself
I wouldn?t think of you today
It?s been seven months and counting
You?ve moved on
I still feel exactly the same

It?s just the that everywhere I go
All the buildings know your name
Like photographs and memories of love
Steel and granite reminders
The city calls your name and I can?t move on

Ever since you?ve been gone
The lights go out the same
The only difference is
You call another name
To your love
To your lover now
To your love
The lover after me

Am I all alone in the universe?
There?s no love on these streets
I have given mine away to a world
That didn?t want it anyway

So this is my new freedom
It?s funny
I don?t remember being chained
But nothing seems to make sense anymore
Without you I?m always twenty minutes late

Ever since you?ve been gone
The lights go out the same
The only difference is
You call another name
To your love
To your lover now
To your love
The lover after me

And time goes by so slowly
The nights are cold and lonely
I shouldn?t be holding on
But I?m still holding on for you

Here I go again
I promised myself I wouldn?t think of you today
But I?m standing at your doorway
I?m calling out your name because I can?t move on

Ever since you?ve been gone
The lights go out the same
The only difference is
You call another name
To your love
To your lover now
To your love
The lover after me

Friday, February 11, 2005

Passing Thoughts

0 comments
Somehow, the moment seems even more opportune when you?re trying desperately hard not to look opportunistic.

Alternatively. Life tempts you with a dangling carrot when you no longer have the motivation to run after it.

Alternatively. Opportunity knocks on your door once. Temptation bloody leans on it.

Alternatively. Life is a bitch sometimes.

Thursday, February 10, 2005

Limericks

0 comments
Amity School of Communication ? The Big Picture. - The Limericks Contest.

Topic: an egg

My attempt:

Boiled eggs, they say, keep you nourished and hot
Through this cold winter, they help you a lot
So I brought a dozen for a penny
I ate 10 eggs too many
Now I?m sitting on the pot.


Cracked the one that got the maximum laughs. Still didn?t win.

Sigh.

Wednesday, February 09, 2005

That Was The Week That Was

0 comments
Lab newspapers.

TV Scripts. Radio scripts.

Pleasure trip to handicraft fair in Haryana.

Biking between hostel and home.

Appearing on two TV shows on SAB TV.

Realising SAB TV sucks, hence skipping a third show hosted by Vir Sanghvi.

Dodging more comparisons of my unkempt hair with a bird?s nest.

Doing my bit to get in touch with long lost friends.

Dontlook.

Refuting more claims that I am not straight.

Shooting down more reports about me becoming a campus item.

Sorting ego-hassles and an assortment of other pangas with people. .

Trying to make sense of other strained understandings.

Wracking brains over college culfest logistics.

Cribbing. Sulking.

Learning to lose cool on command.

Learning to say ?sorry?.

Sunday, January 30, 2005

Stop. Wait. Ponder.

0 comments
Days pass by in a blur. That, while life seems to perennially stuck in slow motion.



Sometimes, I think I am shooting fish in a barrel. At other times, I wonder what I have gotten myself into.



Somewhere down the line, I am content with the confusion I have surrounded myself with. I can?t explain it.



?Self-obsession?, did someone say?



Yeah. Probably.

Thursday, January 27, 2005

Hemantism

0 comments
When everything else seems to be perfect, trust the weather to screw up your day.

Saturday, January 22, 2005

Road Rage

0 comments
To all those buggers, who drive with their cars with the high-beam on, and show utter unconcern for the safety of drivers coming from in front of them:



Someday, I hope, you wear a straitjacket with a 5 lever lock, lose the key and then watch helplessly as bulldog ants climb into your pants.

Saturday, January 15, 2005

This and That

0 comments
Sometimes, a perfectly harmless compliment may have a negative impact on you. It?s like getting a bottle of good perfume as a gift. It makes you wonder if you?re such a stinker after all.



And it keeps happening to me again and again. People read my work in the lab journals and other publications, come up to me and say,



?Hey, I noticed your work. I really liked reading it?.



And then, without fail, they back it up by saying,



You know what? You should apply to Times of India. You?ll get through easily.



Sure. Times of India, huh? Why not? I will write for them someday.



Oh. Did I tell you? I also aspire to be the Queen of Egypt someday.

Saturday, January 08, 2005

Roadblock

0 comments
My life is but, the never-ending disagreement between my head and my heart.

Thursday, January 06, 2005

This and That

0 comments
Sala yahich problem hai duniya ka.



Jisko samajh nahi paate use "Pagal" karaar dete hai!



Hmph!

Saturday, January 01, 2005

Flaming Gerbils - A Must Read

0 comments
Actual article from the LA Times, The editor's comments at the end are hilarious:



"In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only trying to retrieve the gerbil," Eric Tomaszewski told bemused doctors in the Severe Burns

Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital.



Tomaszewski and his homosexual partner Andrew "Kiki" Farnum had been admitted for emergency treatment after a felching session had gone seriously wrong. "I pushed

a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Raggot, our gerbil, in," he explained. As usual Kiki shouted out, "Armageddon," our signal that he'd had enough.



I tried to retrieve Raggot but he wouldn't come out again, so I peered into the tube and struck a match, to try to see him. I thought the light might attract him and he'd come forward to where I could get him out.



At a hushed press conference a hospital spokesman described what happened next. "The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and aflame shot out of the tubing, igniting Mr. Tomaszewski's hair and severely burning his face. It also set fire to the gerbil's fur and whiskers which in turn ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling the rodent out like a cannonball."



"Tomaszewski suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the impact of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered first and second degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract.?



Editor's Notes: Things in this story that scare me...



"I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum ...."



"So I peered into the tube ... " (I'm sorry, but that's like looking through a telescope into hell. I'd rather use binoculars to stare at the sun.)



That poor gerbil (who obviously suffers from low self esteem) being shot out of the guy's anus like Rocky the Flying Squirrel on the Rocky and Bullwinkle cartoon.



Suffering a broken nose from a gerbil's body being launched out of someone's ass. I'm just guessing, but I seriously doubt that said gerbil was springtime fresh after his journey into Kiki's tunnel of love."



People walking around with these volcanic-like pockets of gas in their intestines.



People who do this kind of thing and then admit what they were doing when taken to a hospital emergency room. Sorry, but I think I would have made up a story

about a gang of roving, pyromaniacal, anal sex fiends breaking into my house and sodomizing me with charcoal lighter fluid before admitting this kind of truth.



Call me old fashioned if you must, but I just cannot imagine looking at a doctor and saying, "Well, doc, it's like this. You see, we had this gerbil named Raggot, and we took a cardboard tube ... "



"First and second degree burns to the anus ...."

Wouldn't this make the burning itch and discomfort of hemorrhoids seem like a welcome relief? How does one ever take a healthy dump after something like this?

And the smell of burning anus must be in the top five most horrible smells on the face of God's green earth.



People named "Kiki" which is obviously a Polynesian word for: "Idiotic man who insert rodent up his butt."



What kind of hospital would hold a press conference on

this?



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Here's to a new year that's free of incidents like those in your lives! :D