The Awesomeness of User Generated Content

If there was a list of seven wonders of the web, I would want this Youtube video on it.

Notice the number of likes and dislikes for the video.

CID in Telugu

There's only one thing more awesome than CID — that's CID dubbed in Telugu.

(Video for non-commercial, illustrative purposes only).

Slumdog Millionaire Plot Fail

This is a screenshot from Slumdog's Wikipedia page, and might be corrected the next time you see it.

Also: my short review of the film.

The greatest piece of choreography in the history of Indian cinema

No shit.

On Google, I looked up the title of the film, Pyaasi Raat, and found this article on Passionforcinema:

for fuck’s sake this was shot on FILM……it went to the processing lab and they even fucking edited this……..there was a singer….someone wrote it….someone sung it…there was a studio booked for this……someone held a crew at ransom to shoot this….how the hell did anyone pull this off……i soooo want to watch the entire film…….HOW CAN I FIND IT?

The Hitchhiker's Guide to Galaxy says the second worst poetry in the universe is by Azgoths of Kria. It's so bad that:

...during a recitation by their Poet Master Grunthos the Flatulent of his poem Ode To A Small Lump of Green Putty I Found In My Armpit One Midsummer Morning four of his audience died of internal haemmorhaging, and the President of the Mid-Galactic Arts Nobbling Council survived by gnawing one of his own legs off.

Grunthos is reported to have been 'disappointed' by the poem's reception, and was about to embark on a reading of his twelve-book epic entitled My Favourite Bathtime Gurgles when his own major intestine, in a desperate attempt to save life and civilisation, leap straight up through his neck and throttle his brain.

And why am I talking about The Guide? What you're about to see here might just make your intestine make an attempt on your life.



There will be some of you reading this from your offices where Youtube is blocked, so you will see an empty white space above this.

You can see the video on a proxy website. Just paste this link at any of these websites: 1, 2, 3, 4.

Update: A colleague asked me why I was searching Pyaasi Raat on Google. In my defense, I have to say that I decided to search for details of the film after I read its name in one of the comments on the video. I'm innocent. I don't even have two gigabytes of porn on my laptop. God promise!

Haven't gone too far, have we?

Conversation with a journalist friend

M: Who is the person?

Me: You're not gonna hazard a guess?

M: No, tell me.

Me: Hint: she's in the news.

M: Sorry, who?

Me: Hint... the Western-most tip of the USA

M: I DON’T KNOW! TELL ME!

Me: Another hint: November 4.

M: I seriously don’t know. Just tell me who? Out with it.

Me: Not reading the news, are we?

M: Sarah Palin. Is she?

Me: Correct!

M: Wow!

Me: As your prize, you get a free newspaper subscription. Any paper but the Times.

M: Gosh, she is looking so pretty.

Yesterday...

I saw a man who looked like Shivraj Patil and my right hand voluntarily wanted to hurl a rock at him.

I don't believe in violence but then again, this morning I was reading Times of India and this report cracked me up. Immense schadenfreude!

Tom Hanks in that joke from Catch Me If You Can

Tom Hanks is one of my favourite actors and this scene here from Catch Me If You Can is one of my favourite film moments.

It goes something like this:

Carl Hanratty: Well, would you like to hear me tell a joke?

Earl Amdursky: Yeah. Yeah, we'd love to hear a joke from you.

Carl Hanratty: Knock knock.

Earl Amdursky: Who's there?

Carl Hanratty: Go f*** yourselves.

... but not in bed

Several Orkut forums have this game going on where you take your fortune cookie of the day from your homepage, add "in bed" at the end.

For example, if your fortune says "Good things will happen to you today", make it "Good things will happen to you in bed". You get the drift.

I played around with the variables a bit, and came up with my own.

Take any punchline from a well-known advertisement and add "but not in bed" at the end.

The results are hilarious. The suffix gives a vicious spin to the punchlines.

Sample these:

- Just Do It... but not in bed.
- Kingfisher, The King of Good Times... but not in bed.
- Masti Ne bBanaya Hame Marzi Ka Maalik... but not in bed.
- Sabki Pasand Nirma... but in bed.
- Amaron Batteries, Last Long, Really Long....but not in bed.

As it turns out, the suffix gives a nice twist to famous movie quotes too.

- Mogambo khush hua... but not in bed.
- Rishtey mein to hum tumhare baap lagte hain... but not in bed.
- May the force be with you... but not in bed.

I even tried it on cricket commentary:

- The two left-handers are stroking it well... but not in bed.
- The Bangladeshi batsmen are mesmerised... but not in bed.

If you find a few TV serials with names that have a verb in them, the suffix works there too:

- Kyuki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi... but not in bed.

Right, so if you ever come across people playing this game, you know where it all started. *wink*

I'd like to think I'm no chauvinist...

... but this is hilarious.

"Where you want it?"

The TVCs for the Indian Cricket League are a riot. I particularly loved the one on the Chennai Superstars. [Video below]



Then there are the Delhi Jets, Hyderabad Heroes, Kolkata Tigers, Chandigarh Lions and Mumbai Champs.

Jesus — I Will Survive

Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee, and I'll forgive Thy great big joke on me.
— Robert Frost

The male mind

Me: Yaar, who’s that woman on your desk… with the curly hair and black glasses? I said ‘hi’ to her yesterday and then I realised I had forgotten her name.

S:The name’s XXXXXX YYYYY.

Me:Oh yeah. Forgot her name actually.

S:What about her?

Me: No No... I saw her at our XXX office yesterday and said hi and all. Then I realised I don’t remember her name. Which is kind of embarrassing.

S:It’s not... Imagine if she was a guy, and not very attractive at that, would you be embarrassed?

Me: Yes... it has happened very frequently.

S:Congratulations, you are a nice guy.

Me: Har har har.

S:(And a follower of the Bajrang Dal also!)

Me: ROTF LMBO!

The Men Who Stare At Goats

While reading Richard Dawkins' The God Delusion, I came across this memorable excerpt from the book titled above by Jon Ronson. I quote the bit verbatim:

This is a true story. It is the summer of 1983. Major General Albert Stubblebine III is sitting behind his desk in Arlington, Virginia, and he is staring at the wall, upon which hang his numerous military awards. They detail a long and distinguished career. He is the United States Army's chief of intelligence, with sixteen thousand soldiers under his command.

...

He looks past his awards to the wall itself. There is something he must do even though the thought of it frightens him. He thinks about the choice he has to make. He can stay in his office or he can go into the next office. That is his choice. And he has made it. He is going into the next office.

...

He stands up, moves out from behind his desk, and begins to walk. I mean, he thinks, what is the atom mostly made up of anyway? Space! He quickens his pace. What am I mostly made of? He thinks. Atoms! He is almost at a jog now. What is the wall mostly made up of? He thinks. Atoms! All I have to do is merge the spaces.

...

Then General Stubblebine bangs his nose hard on the wall of his office. Damn, he thinks. General Stubblebine is confounded by his continual failure to walk through his wall.

Torn, and twisted

Torn is one of the songs from that fantastic debut album by Natalie Imbruglia, Left of the Middle.

The song, the video of which you can see here, is not my favourite from the album but this video based on the song that I’ve posted here is the funniest thing I've seen in the whole of 2006.

You can also see a lengthier version of the same mime act. But this time Natalie herself joins in the act. What a sport! I haven't laughed this hard all year.

'I like monkeys'

I got this in my mail.

I like monkeys.

The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece. I thought that odd since they were normally a couple thousand each. I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth. I bought 200.

I like monkeys. I took my 200 monkeys home.

I have a big car. I let one drive. His name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really bright. They kept punching themselves in their genitals. I laughed. Then they punched my genitals. I stopped laughing.

I herded them into my room. They didn't adapt very well to their new environment. They would screech, hurl themselves off of the couch at high speeds and slam into the wall.

Although humorous at first, the spectacle lost its novelty halfway into its third hour.

Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive: they all died. No apparent reason. They all just sorta' dropped dead. Kinda' like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. Damn cheap monkeys.

I didn't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my room, on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked like I had 200 throw rugs.

I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn't work. It got stuck. Then I had one dead, wet monkey and 199 dead, dry monkeys.

I tried pretending that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for a while, that is until they began to decompose. It started to smell real bad.

I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in the toilet and I didn't want to call the plumber. I was embarrassed.

I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortunately there was only enough room for two monkeys at a time so I had to change them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didn't all go bad.

I tried burning them. Little did I know my bed was flammable. I had to extinguish the fire.

Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in my freezer, and 197 dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed.

The odor wasn't improving.

I became agitated at my inability to dispose of my monkeys and to use the bathroom. I severely beat one of my monkeys.

I felt better.

I tried throwing them way but the garbage man said that the city wasn't allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him that I had a wet one. He couldn't take that one either. I didn't bother asking about the frozen ones.

I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts.

My friends didn't know quite what to say. They pretended that they like them but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So I punched them in the genitals.

I like monkeys.

On the subject of animals, here's another hilarious one I got in my mail.

A rabbit was hopping through the forest when he came upon a giraffe rolling ajoint. The rabbit said,"Giraffe, don't do drugs. Come, run with me through the forest."

The giraffe looked at the rabbit, then at the joint. He dropped the joint and ran off with the rabbit.

They came upon an elephant snorting cocaine. The Rabbit said,"Elephant, don't do drugs. Come, run with us through the forest."

The elephant looked at his razor blade and mirror, tossed them away and began running with the rabbit and giraffe.

The three animals then came across a lion about to shoot up. The Rabbit said, "Lion, don't do drugs. Come, run with us through the forest."

The lion looked at the rabbit and then at the needle. He put down the needle and started to beat up the rabbit.

Horrified, the giraffe and elephant asked, "Lion, why are you doing this? He was trying to help you."The lion answered, "This little f***er? He makes me run around the forest like a f***ing idiot every time he's on ecstasy."