The Inebriate Cricket Fan's Tambola

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On Getting Hit On The Bollocks

Those who've seen it happen would agree - there isn't a funnier sight in cricket when the wicketkeeper throws the ball back to the bowler, and the ball hits a well-placed pebble on the ground, changes its direction and hits the unsuspecting batsman straight on his bollocks.

It's funny as hell - until you get hit yourself.

I've played a bit of backyard cricket in my life. Rubber ball, heavy tennis ball, light tennis ball, cork ball, cricket ball, sponge ball, rolled-up newspaper ball ... I've knocked around all of them. And I've never, ever got hit on the box. Or, at least, never got hit bad enough to care.

Today, for the first time in my insignificant cricketing life, I got hit on the bollocks.

It felt like the end of the world.

Shyam was bowling. The tennis ball was heavier than usual, the kind that hits you hard on impact. The ball pitched around leg on a length, stayed low, took an inside edge and crashed into my unprotected groin.

In half a second, my mind registered what had happened. I fell on my knees clutching the bat with one hand, and my groin with the other.

I've known what pain is. The most painful experience I've had was when, as a 11-year-old, I fell from a three-foot-tall wall, fell on my left elbow and fractured it. I had felt breathlessness, nausea, dizziness, and above all, an incredible amount of pain.

Today, those memories came flooding back as I hobbled to a bench on the park. I felt like I was about to throw up and pass out at the same time. I had visions of Jeff Thomson hitting David Lloyd and turning his guard inside out. I feared I would lose my shot at fatherhood.

Next time when I see a batsman getting hit, I'll think twice before bursting into spontaneous laughter.



Never Leave Home Without One

The godman and the game

My colleague Deepika has done a story I wish I had done. It goes:

Tennis was not quite blessed in the land of the Sathya Sai Baba. The India-Philippines tennis test series at Puttaparthi — the home of the Sri Sathya Sai Baba — could not take place a couple of weeks ago because of bizarre circumstances.

According to sources, the first of the two ties — India won the second 3-0 at the DLTA facility here — did not happen because the Sai Baba could not turn up to inaugurate the tie and bless the players.

Apparently, Doordarshan had begun the live telecast of the game only to be told that since the godman hasn't shown up to "bless" the event, the fixture would be cancelled. However, the tennis association says this was done because of a power failure at the venue.

This story amuses me for many reasons, one of them being that I'm an unbeliever in a family of Sai devotees. Not your normal devotees, but the Saturday Bhajan Mandli variety.