Facebook Ads Go From Bad To Worse To Downright Scary

The Gray Lady said Facebook advertising isn't doing too well.

Seriously, you needed the NYT to tell you that?

Shoes

1) Sneakers, for outdoor assignments, travelling, bike riding, long distance commuting. Ideal for winter.

2) Flats, for Indianwear – Patiala suits – or long skirts for the bohemian look.

3) Sneakers, with Velcro – when you don’t have time to tie your laces. Same as (1).

4) Slip-ons, with metallic base, for clothes in metallic shades.

5) Shoes with pointed tip and heel, for formal occasions, go well with trouser and pin suits.

6) Gali chappals – to meet neighbours, or shopping for grocery, only when you’re wearing Indian suits.

7) Plain flats, in muted tones, go well with kurtis/jeans of corresponding colours.

8) Pumps/Half shoes – go well with kurta/pyjama & jeans too.

9) Floaters – Outdoors, goes well on wet terrain, worn with sweatshirts, jeans and socks.

10) Heels – for office.

11) High-end slip-ons – for select occasions.

12) Plain chappals – bathroom slippers, handy around the house.

13) Sequined high-heels – A bit of bling for marriage/sangeet when one is supposed to just doll up.

14) High-end pumps – for select occasions, works well with skinny jeans and tops with an earthy/shimmer base.

15) High-heeled half shoes – Works fine with formal skirts, business suits and khadi salwar suits.

16) Elastic pumps – very comfortable, breathing shoes, works well with tees, slim fit jeans, capris in bright candy shades

17) Heels – works fine with both Indian and western. A cross between (10) and (13).



1) Formals – The shoes I wore at my wedding.

2) Sneaker – outdoors, biking, sports, gymming, office, friends.

3) Floaters – everything else.

Post 26/11

I don't know if this is happening to you, but I'm sure fairly sure there are plenty of Indians out there who have shared this experience with me.

I have been having recurring dreams about the terror attacks on Mumbai. I see myself with a weapon in my hand and taking to the street, exchanging fire with people. I don't remember who these people were but my subconscious mind might have scripted them along the lines of the Mumbai terrorists.

I've had a similar, crazy dream in my younger days. Lots of Americans had weird dreams about Sarah Palin when she entered the presidential elections. But this is quite different.

And I'm sure much of this stems from the anger over the terror strikes. Anger, that still hasn't found its way out.

Is anybody else having similar dreams?

The T-Shirt Says It All

Extra: My previous post on Shivraj Patil.

Haven't We Always Been This Way?

Let's look at the bigger picture: humans have always been like the gun-toting boy here. If anything, I take comfort from the fact that man is, perhaps, a more tolerant creature than he was a hundred years ago.

You and I, we can get by in life. We want to trade, earn our bread, live in peace, and hope not to step on someone's toes. But there's always somebody out there who wants more. Pushed down hard enough, he will fight back: for elbow-space, money, land, oil, ideology, faith, love, or anything that's worth fighting — and killing — for.

This is what we've been. That's the truth. We've always fought and killed. History is constituted almost entirely of man's territorial ambitions. There's no end to this. The more we kill, the more we annex, the greater we are. Ashoka The Great, Alexander The Great, and so on.

As long as he exists, man will fight man. Bloodshed and war know no end. Let the loss of human life not surprise you anymore. There will be lazy politicians, there will be police lapses, Intelligence will continue to sit on its butt, and maybe someday you will be sitting on a park bench or at a film theatre when you suddenly become toast. This is small matter.

There's no end to this, and the only way to escape it all is death. I'm saddened by the incidents in Mumbai and I am in one of my skeptical moods. But I'd be happy to be proven wrong.

~~~

Devarshi pointed me to a Facebook search result for Mujahideen. My first thought was to have the groups reported. My second thought was, "Wait, everyone deserves a chance to speak." Then, I noticed some hateful comments in one group and decided to have them reported. My submission is just a drop in the ocean. Perhaps you can help, too.

Bored of Facebook friends becoming fans of this and that?

I certainly was.

So I decided to become a fan of fans.

Hope you join me there, too.

Conversation with a journalist friend

M: Who is the person?

Me: You're not gonna hazard a guess?

M: No, tell me.

Me: Hint: she's in the news.

M: Sorry, who?

Me: Hint... the Western-most tip of the USA

M: I DON’T KNOW! TELL ME!

Me: Another hint: November 4.

M: I seriously don’t know. Just tell me who? Out with it.

Me: Not reading the news, are we?

M: Sarah Palin. Is she?

Me: Correct!

M: Wow!

Me: As your prize, you get a free newspaper subscription. Any paper but the Times.

M: Gosh, she is looking so pretty.

Travis Bickle in Taxi Driver

Travis: I should get one of those signs that says "One of these days I'm gonna get organezized".

Betsy: You mean organized?

Travis: Organezized. Organezized. It's a joke. O-R-G-A-N-E-Z-I-Z-E-D...

Betsy: Oh, you mean organezized. Like those little signs they have in offices that says, "Thimk"?

Yesterday...

I saw a man who looked like Shivraj Patil and my right hand voluntarily wanted to hurl a rock at him.

I don't believe in violence but then again, this morning I was reading Times of India and this report cracked me up. Immense schadenfreude!

Do you stuggle with phonetic alphabets?

I have a peculiar problem. I fumble over phonetic alphabets while instructing people over the phone.

Today, for example, I was on the line with a customer care executive. I was telling him the model number for my DVD player, which needs repair.

So, since the model number was alphanumeric, I used phonetic alphabets - like 'D for Delhi', 'E for Elephant' so that he may not mistake 'D' for 'T', 'A' for 'J' and suchlike.

Those were the easier ones.

What is the first word that comes to your mind when you think of the letter F?

Or S.

Or P.

Or B.

Maybe I have a rotten, corrupt mind, but I struggle to promptly come up with 'clean' words for some letters.

"S for... err... you know... ummm... (blush)...Patna?"

Does anyone else have the same problem?

On Getting Hit On The Bollocks

Those who've seen it happen would agree - there isn't a funnier sight in cricket when the wicketkeeper throws the ball back to the bowler, and the ball hits a well-placed pebble on the ground, changes its direction and hits the unsuspecting batsman straight on his bollocks.

It's funny as hell - until you get hit yourself.

I've played a bit of backyard cricket in my life. Rubber ball, heavy tennis ball, light tennis ball, cork ball, cricket ball, sponge ball, rolled-up newspaper ball ... I've knocked around all of them. And I've never, ever got hit on the box. Or, at least, never got hit bad enough to care.

Today, for the first time in my insignificant cricketing life, I got hit on the bollocks.

It felt like the end of the world.

Shyam was bowling. The tennis ball was heavier than usual, the kind that hits you hard on impact. The ball pitched around leg on a length, stayed low, took an inside edge and crashed into my unprotected groin.

In half a second, my mind registered what had happened. I fell on my knees clutching the bat with one hand, and my groin with the other.

I've known what pain is. The most painful experience I've had was when, as a 11-year-old, I fell from a three-foot-tall wall, fell on my left elbow and fractured it. I had felt breathlessness, nausea, dizziness, and above all, an incredible amount of pain.

Today, those memories came flooding back as I hobbled to a bench on the park. I felt like I was about to throw up and pass out at the same time. I had visions of Jeff Thomson hitting David Lloyd and turning his guard inside out. I feared I would lose my shot at fatherhood.

Next time when I see a batsman getting hit, I'll think twice before bursting into spontaneous laughter.



Never Leave Home Without One

Tom Hanks in that joke from Catch Me If You Can

Tom Hanks is one of my favourite actors and this scene here from Catch Me If You Can is one of my favourite film moments.

It goes something like this:

Carl Hanratty: Well, would you like to hear me tell a joke?

Earl Amdursky: Yeah. Yeah, we'd love to hear a joke from you.

Carl Hanratty: Knock knock.

Earl Amdursky: Who's there?

Carl Hanratty: Go f*** yourselves.

First look at Google Chrome

Houston, Mountain View, we have a problem.



Make that 'problems'.

My point here is, these websites are working perfectly well on my other browser.

Pichle Saat Dinon Mein - Rock On!! - Lyrics

I have a new favourite song. It is titled Pichle Saat Dinon Mein, and it's from the film Rock On!!

Don't blame me for those ugly exclamation marks; that's how the film was named.

Anyway, here's the uber-cool music video.



And here are the lyrics. Sing along!

Meri laundry ka ek bill
Ek aadhi padhi novel

[Chorus]

Ek ladki ka phone number
Mere kaam ka ek paper

[Chorus]

Mere taash se heart ka king
Mera ek chandi ka ring
Pichle saat dinon mein maine khoya

Kabhi khud pe hasa mai or
Kabhi khud pe roya

[Chorus x2]

Present mili ek ghadi
Pyaari thi mujhe badi

[Chorus]

Meri jeb Mary Jane ka ek packet*
Meri denim ki jacket

Do one-day match ke passes
Mere naye sunglasses
Pichle saat dinon mein maine khoya

Kabhi khud pe hasa mai or
Kabhi khud pe roya

[Guitar solo]

Kaise bhooloon saatvaan jo din aaya
Kisi ne tumse ek party mei milwaya
Kaisa pal tha jis pal maine tumko pehli baar dekha tha

Hum jo mile pehli baar
Maine jaana kya hai pyaar
Maine hosh bhi khoya, dil bhi khoya

Kabhi khud pe hasa mai or
Kabhi khud pe roya

[Chorus x2]

Maine pichle saat dinon mei yeh sab hai khoya

I saw the film this weekend and I thoroughly enjoyed it. Farhaan Akhtar may not cut it as a singer but his vocals work in the context of the story, which is about an amateur rock band called Magik.

* Thanks Anon, for the correction.

Ever been in a situation where...

... you chat with someone on the net for hours, but in a face-to-face interaction with the same person, the conversation gets a bit awkward?

Id—what?

The problem with reading too much is that, sooner or later, you start getting a lot of ideas about what you ought to do with your life.

Unless, of course, if you have a great deal of time to execute those ideas. Mostly, you wouldn't.

Then, the weight of those ideas is your's alone to bear.

Sigh...

Love.



Lust.

... but not in bed

Several Orkut forums have this game going on where you take your fortune cookie of the day from your homepage, add "in bed" at the end.

For example, if your fortune says "Good things will happen to you today", make it "Good things will happen to you in bed". You get the drift.

I played around with the variables a bit, and came up with my own.

Take any punchline from a well-known advertisement and add "but not in bed" at the end.

The results are hilarious. The suffix gives a vicious spin to the punchlines.

Sample these:

- Just Do It... but not in bed.
- Kingfisher, The King of Good Times... but not in bed.
- Masti Ne bBanaya Hame Marzi Ka Maalik... but not in bed.
- Sabki Pasand Nirma... but in bed.
- Amaron Batteries, Last Long, Really Long....but not in bed.

As it turns out, the suffix gives a nice twist to famous movie quotes too.

- Mogambo khush hua... but not in bed.
- Rishtey mein to hum tumhare baap lagte hain... but not in bed.
- May the force be with you... but not in bed.

I even tried it on cricket commentary:

- The two left-handers are stroking it well... but not in bed.
- The Bangladeshi batsmen are mesmerised... but not in bed.

If you find a few TV serials with names that have a verb in them, the suffix works there too:

- Kyuki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi... but not in bed.

Right, so if you ever come across people playing this game, you know where it all started. *wink*

The evolution of Orkut fransheep requests

Friendship requests on Orkut keep getting increasingly interesting:

Hi!!!!!!! I Was going through your profile, found it interesting, so am writing to u..... As a normal routine, I know u must be tired of people saying,
"hiii there,
u r cute,
u r pretty,
i like ur smile,
i like ur eyes....... and stuff"......and i can imagine how irritating it can be when someone out of know where jumps up and says....... "DO u wanna be my friend, or can i be ur friend" and u feel like, Man DO i KNow u ..........

Hence i would definately not do the same, neither would i ask u to be my friend... All i shall say is, "Why dont we start a conversation and let friendship develop on its on.........."

From a song by one of my favourite bands

Guess the name of the band and the song.

What Wikipedia think of the BCCI

The BCCI's profile on Wikipedia throws up some interesting insights into their cricket editors' minds.



Interestingly, it seems the image belongs to NDTV — and I have a few reasons to think that way — but the Wikipedia page says the image was taken off BCCI.tv.

Seeking divine intervention to make Orkut friends

A lowlife respectable man with much time on his hands sent this friendship request to my wife:

I am Ajoy from cuttack. Now doing MBA at Delhi. Praying god to put u in my fr list

Reporting

Often during a major cricket event, you read reports such as this of bookies being busted.

Invariably, the report would describe the scene of action:

A cash of Rs two lakh, a TV set, a dish antenna, recorder connected to a laptop, calculators and mobile phones were recovered from the flat, they said.

It reads as if the police had just unearthed two tonnes of RDX from a terrorist's lair.

But the really sad part is this:

The accused booked under Bombay Prevention of Gambling Act, were later released on bail.

So much for doing what you thought fit with your own money.

The Hitchhiker's Guide, Flying, And Success

In Douglas Adams' brilliant book, The Hitchhiker's Guide to The Galaxy, there's this wonderful definition of the art of flying.

There is an art, it says, or, rather, a knack to flying. The knack lies in learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss. Pick a nice day, it suggests, and try it.

It says that trick is to miss the ground in such a way that you don't notice you've missed it.

One problem is that you have to miss the ground accidentally. It's no good deliberately intending to miss the ground because you won't. You have to have your attention suddenly distracted by something [...] by, say, a gorgeous pair of legs (tentacles, pseudopodia, according to phyllum and/or personal inclination) or a bomb going off in your vicinity, or by suddenly spotting an extremely rare species of beetle crawling along a nearby twig, then in your astonishment you will miss the ground completely and remain bobbing just a few inches above it in what might seem to be a slightly foolish manner.

I think that's true about success too. The harder I try to get it, the more it eludes me. But when I stop trying too hard, I find it, almost accidentally, each time.

Of belief and promises

Suppose you're the kind who never break their promises.

Let's say you made a promise about something to someone.

Let's say, you once heard a story about the benevolent nature of 'X', and it inspired you promise yourself to emulate 'X'.

But sometime later, you realise that the story about the benevolence of 'X' was false.

In fact, you have arrived to the conclusion that 'X' never existed, and the stories you had heard about him were baseless.

But you had made a promise to yourself. What happens to it?

And what if you can no longer get yourself to keep the promise?

Redundancy in advertising

There are two ads I don't understand.

One goes, मुंह में रजनीगंधा.

Of course; मुंह में. Where else do you want to put the pan masala?

Then there's the ad for the footwear which goes, पैरों के लिए Paragon.

अब्बे पैर में चप्पल नही पहनोगे तो क्या सर पे पहनोगे?


Earlier: Mera No. 1

Sometimes, when I am bored...

... I fool around with my Adsense account.

After a long time, an Orkut Gem

From a profile:

about me: "Rocky n Roory"
specially programmed 4 gays n galz....and i yes me haan haan maddy loves lieing.

Apropos of nothing...

Business Plan # 37

UnTwitter

UnTwitter is a service for friends, family, and co–workers to communicate and stay connected through the exchange of quick, frequent answers to one simple question...

What would you rather be doing now?

है वजूद खुदा का?

The following is a poem by Taeer, a shayar and Closet Atheist.

है वजूद खुदा का, कैसे मान लिया आप ने?
अनजाने डर को खूब नाम दिया आप ने ...

हम को तो ऐतबार का सबब नही मिलता ,
कहीं बेवजह तो नही भरोसा किया आप ने?

अपने ही बंदो से जो बेपर्दा न हो सका,
फलक पे मकाम उसका, मान लिया आप ने ...

गर है वह हर जगह तो कैद क्यों करना पड़ा?
या कहो उसे भी कोने में बिठा दिया आप ने ...

देह्लीज़ पे जा के चंद सिक्के चढा आते हो,
खुदा से भी कारोबार , खूब किया आप ने ...

औरो को खुशी दे , ताईर दुआ कर लेता ,
उस पर भी बना दी कितनी कहानियाँ आप ने...

I'd like to think I'm no chauvinist...

... but this is hilarious.

Man smacking lips

P-:

In case this emoticon catches on, you know where it started.

Update [April 11, 4.28 pm]: With credit to Anirudh, who came up with this:

(-:

Just wondering...

Whom does an atheist thank when it's Friday?

Jadoo Akbar

The Wornacular Collection is back with a bang!



Thanks Rachna, for the idea.

How to eat a veggie supreme pizza

First, pluck out the olives.

Mmmm...

Then, chew down the baby corn cobs one by one.

Mmmm...

Then, bite on the mushroom bits.

Mmmm...

Then, feel the tomatoes in your mouth, one juicy explosion at a time.

Mmmm...

Now, lift the cheese topping and slip down in your mouth, one inch at a time.

Mmmm...

Then, finish off the slice with a sprinkling of oregano and ketchup.

Mmmm...

And wash it all down with some cola.

Mmmm...

I repeat.

Mmmmmmm...

St. Valentine's

I am not so much into festivals and celebrations, but if people want to celebrate, it is no skin off my nose.

To be honest I find most people who celebrate Valentine's Day a bit dense, a trait only bettered by the silliness of those who say "Oh, I don't need Feb 14 - for me every day is Valentine's Day."

Sub Terrain — Eye Test For Sub-Editors ©

Do your eyes hurt from making pages on Quark Express?

Do your eyes water when you sub public-sandaas dirty copies from stringers?

Do you mistake cyan for blue, red for pink and lemon for green while choosing those godforsaken colours on the stylesheet?

Fear not!

The simple Sub Terrain — Eye Test For Sub-Editors © will tell you if you need to get your eyes checked or not!

Just refer to the image above: do you see the word "champ" written on it?

No?

You need to see an eye doctor, my friend!

Hurry!

Tell your other sub-editor friends if they need to see the doc.

I've been had tagged

Australopithecus has tagged me. Goddammit, Arjun! Here I go.

Instructions: Post 5 links to 5 of your previously written posts. The posts have to relate to the 5 key words given (family, friend, yourself, your love, anything you like). Tag 5 other friends to do this meme. Try to tag at least 2 new acquaintances (if not, your current blog buddies will do) so that you get to know them each a little bit better.

Since there's not much to talk about on this blog, I'll add some links from Neurotica, my previous blog.

Family: This one features mom, and her concern upon finding out that my ten-people college picnic party had six girls.

Friends: 'Magaj ka underwear utaarna' is as original an expression I've ever come across.

Yourself: Titled 'Close Call - one of my own favourites.

My lau: Hopeless excuse for flirting with the woman who would be my wife.

Anything I like: This post from Sub Terrain when I was celebrating Stupid Questions Week.


I need to tag five people. I have just three:

- Gaurav at Holi Kab Hai
- Venkat at Cricket Journal
- The crazy woman at Sewn Together

Version 2

Make that senior bored sub-editor.

Niranjan Shah on Tehelka

This is priceless.

Q: For the sake of argument, what is the more important criterion for selection: performance or rotation policy? Would you drop the best performing players for rotation policy?
Shah: Rahul's performance is not there. Lakshman's performance is not there.

I am talking about Ganguly. He has done well.
Shah: Lakshman has done well too.

The last answer even more so:

Q: But why is this rotation policy is not applicable to test cricket?
Shah: Why look at tests, there are domestic tournaments like Ranji Trophy. One day cricket requires a lot of energy, so fielding capability has to be seen, everything has to be seen. But the tests are a real test for cricket players. The tests are very important for every country. We like to be a test winning country and not a one-day winning country. Youngsters need lot of cricketing abilities to stay there for five days. In ODI you may just go in and slog couple of overs, here you have to play for five days. After all, they get to play the long form of cricket in domestic cricket.

The godman and the game

My colleague Deepika has done a story I wish I had done. It goes:

Tennis was not quite blessed in the land of the Sathya Sai Baba. The India-Philippines tennis test series at Puttaparthi — the home of the Sri Sathya Sai Baba — could not take place a couple of weeks ago because of bizarre circumstances.

According to sources, the first of the two ties — India won the second 3-0 at the DLTA facility here — did not happen because the Sai Baba could not turn up to inaugurate the tie and bless the players.

Apparently, Doordarshan had begun the live telecast of the game only to be told that since the godman hasn't shown up to "bless" the event, the fixture would be cancelled. However, the tennis association says this was done because of a power failure at the venue.

This story amuses me for many reasons, one of them being that I'm an unbeliever in a family of Sai devotees. Not your normal devotees, but the Saturday Bhajan Mandli variety.

India's greatest Test match win ever?

As Mitchell Johnson and Stuart Clark hammered India’s bowlers, I was taking out my frustration by gnashing morsels of lunch with my extended family. Will these two buggers do the unthinkable? The tension spoilt the taste of the delicious sambhar-rice, curd, carrot pickles and mushrooms.

"Turn the TV off" said Shyam, our young domestic help. "When you switch it back on, Australia would have lost."

We laughed off the suggestion. And almost as if providence had listened to Shyam, the power went off.

"Turn on the radio," I shouted to Shyam. There was no way we could miss the action. And as soon as he did, we heard Sushil Doshi scream, "Aur yeh out!"

It was the wicket we had waited for what seemed an eternity. It was the wicket that would make ensure India a win in Perth. Shyam was right: in its own mysterious way, turning off the TV helped.

And then, the very next instant, the power was back, almost as if to prove we should have listened to Shyam in the first place.



What a win!

I could think of a lot of wins that would match this one. Kolkata was delicious in build-up, explosive in finish, and mind-boggling considering India's odds. But it still was on home-turf, and some umpiring decisions went our way.

Sabina Park (2006) was on a minefield of a wicket but India were a far superior side in the series, and West Indies were lucky not to lose 0-3. Similarly, India won 1-0 in the West Indies in 1971, but like Sunil Gavaskar himself said on air today, the momentum was with India, and West Indies were not at the peak of their powers.

Johannesburg was phenomenal and hard-earned but against a vastly beatable side.

Adelaide was ground-breaking, almost unthinkable at the time but Australia were vulnerable without McGrath and Warne. Something similar could be said about The Oval win of 1971, when nobody in their right minds would have bet on India.

Leeds saw a gallant India, taking in the bullets and then shooting England down. But it was also possibly the strongest Indian side to tour England.

Coming back to Perth, the opposition was on a 16-match winning streak. India were trailing 0-2 and the bouncy pitch wasn't expected to be to India's liking. I, for one, thought India would be 0-3 down after Perth.

Then, there was all the negativity surrounding the Sydney Test. Our best fast bowler --- Zaheer Khan --- was also injured.

From that position, to beat the top-ranked side in the world is something to be immensely proud of.

Lies, damned lies

I did not kill my wife.
— O.J. Simpson, 1997

I did not sleep with that woman.
— Bill Clinton, 1998

I did not fix that one-dayer.
— Hansie Cronje, 2000

We will find those WMDs.
— George Bush, 2003

There is no way I grounded the ball.
— Ricky Ponting, 2007

Open letter to Ricky Ponting

Dear Ricky,

Congratulations on winning a keenly-contested Test match at Sydney. Your team fought back from despairing depths on Day 1 to emerge the unlikely winners on Day 5. Truly, the work of a champion team.

As a supporter of the Indian cricket team, I am aggrieved with the standard of umpiring in the Test. But hey, it happens. You were better, one way or the other.

But what I am aggrieved more as a cricket fan is the conduct of your team — and yourself. Your sanctimoniousness and arrogance were not befitting of a world champion team and its captain.

Let me borrow a line from Richie Benaud who had described the Sachin Tendulkar seam-cleaning incident at Port Elizabeth as "If that's not ball tampering, then I am Mrs. Doubtfire."

Ricky, if your team played within the spirit of the game in Sydney, then
I am Mrs. Doubtfire.

There’s no disputing that yours is the best team in the world. That’s a well-documented fact. Similarly, after what happened in Sydney — and the world saw it — yours is also an ill-behaved team that displays little ethic or sporting spirit, or the gall to stand your ground when returned a favour, as we saw in Harbhajan Singh's case.

I remember an incident from a recent one-day international where Murali Kartik didn’t walk. After India won, you pointed out later that it would have been nice for Kartik to have walked.

That game was of no consequence. You had already won the series. But I’ll tell you what would have been nice.

It would have been nice if you had walked when you were caught down the leg off Sourav Ganguly. It would have been nice if Andrew Symonds had walked on 30.

It would have been nice if Clarke had not shamefully stayed on having knocked the cover of the ball and waited for the umpire to give him out.

Ricky, it would have been nice if Clarke had not asked Ganguly to "f*** off" after taking a dubious catch. It would have been nice if you had not appealed for a catch of M.S. Dhoni that you had grounded.

Yes, I am questioning your honesty, and if it comes to talking about integrity, you should not be standing there.

I know your team has won everything it could win.

Next time, try winning hearts.

Sincerely,

A Cricket Fan